Four Months

Quite possibly the longest four months of my life. I feel like Delia has been gone much longer. But, I can also remember every single detail about her so vividly that it seems like she should still walk into the room and jump up next to me on the couch. Or, greet me at the door when I get home. Losing her doesn't feel any "easier" than it did in January. I still think about her, at least a dozen times a day, every single day. I still lay in bed at night or in the early morning hours and just wish that this had been different. That things had ended differently. I wish I knew what happened to her, and why she was taken away during a time in which I had been struggling so much anyway.

I changed when Delia came into my life. And, I changed again when she left.

This Spring has been so much more than expected. And I wasn't prepared.

Our newest life change is that we have recently moved. We are currently settling in to our new home in Cleveland, closer to camp in hopes that Daniel can see the boy(s) a little more regularly and feel a little less overwhelmed with his work life. The move has been bittersweet.

It has been nice to have a change of scenery. To start fresh, get organized, have a little more space. It has been fun picking paint colors and working to make the house our own. Getting bedrooms set up for each of the boys has been really fun also. Living in space that I don't associate with Delia has also had some benefits, I think.

But, there are some sad moments too.

Moving from a home after living there for over six years is hard. It was the longest I had ever lived in one space since leaving Bartow (almost) 14 years ago. It is also the only home Daniel and I had ever shared, the only home Delia ever had with us, and it was Carver's first home.  There are a lot of memories there. Change can be fun, but I also like familiarity. I was ready for more space, and I needed a change, but it doesn't remove all of the emotion from leaving that home.

I wonder if I will find healing here. No longer sleeping mere feet from where Delia actually died. I wonder if that will help. I also worry that it won't help, that I will just feel more distance from her, more estranged. I don't know. Every inch of that house contained a memory. So many with Delia. I guess time will tell whether this change helps or hurts.

Four whole months and I still so desperately miss her.