Dear Carver: On your fifth birthday

Dear Carver,

Tomorrow you turn five years old. Every year, on the night before your birthday, I have written you a letter. I hope you want to read them one day. I never re-read the letters I wrote before so there is a pretty good chance that they are very repetitive, but I hope not.

Every year, I feel a mix of emotions on your birthday. This year is a little different. I feel a bit more sadness than usual and it is tugging at my heart. I am excited because I see how excited you are! You really anticipated your birthday this year. You started asking weeks ago how many more days it was until December 21st. You thought of toys you wanted for your birthday and asked for "sprinkle cupcakes with dinosaurs" for your class at school.

But this year it is so easy to see the boy you are becoming. And I have to look back at old pictures to see my first-born baby because you are a baby no longer (though you will always be my baby). You are so independent now. I haven't ever pushed you to be independent-- it just never really occurred to me. But now, all on your own, you dress yourself, and make you own snacks. You get craft supplies out of the closet and  do projects all on your own. You try to tell jokes (knock-knock jokes are your favorite), but you totally don't get them at all. You push boundaries and say "no, I can do it!" all the time.

And you have become a bit moody-- which your daddy blames on me. And, I can't really argue. I am a bit moody. And you see me at my absolute worst so I fear you are picking up on some of my bad habits. I'm not proud of that. You challenge me to be better and I am so humbled when I fail you and you still love me fully and completely.

You have a huge heart. You love animals and your friends and every single member of your family. You hug and kiss me at least a dozen times a day, usually more. At night you need just "one more hug and kiss." You have started asking so many questions about God and Jesus and you repeat your favorite bible stories back to me-- I love this.

You are a trouble-maker. You (purposefully) drive your brother absolutely insane. You have a new habit of telling me things that are not true, usually blaming really random things on your brother, so we have started talking a bit about honesty and telling the truth. You love to make messes but you usually show restraint until Cargy gets involved. Then you jump right in and just blame him later for whatever mischief you both caused.

You are a challenge. Every single day. And that is ok with me. Because I want you to be you, uniquely you. And I will love all parts of you. I don't think you will ever be easy. I think we will struggle a bit in the "raising you" years...but I was a bit of a challenge for my parents and we all survived so I am not worried about it. Because you are so endearing, and so precious. You make me laugh and you say the sweetest and most thoughtful things. You love to talk and share things and snuggle and be carried "like a baby." You want to be independent but, for now, you really love your mama.

We got you a "real" bike for you birthday and I just watched your daddy put it together. And now my heart hurts. The bike is just so big and that means that you are big now too. And it makes me want to hold on tight to you at this moment, We are so very close. You think I am great! And fun! And you want to be with me all the time.

And one day you won't and that is more than this mama's heart can bear. So, let's change the subject.

This year I have chosen to pray for patience for you. Because I so struggle with this. And now you do too. I'm sorry, that is my fault. I haven't set the best example for you there. Here is the thing, being impatient with others comes across as being unkind. And frustrated. And it is so often unfair. I think it tells others that they are not worth your time, or they are an inconvenience. When I show so much impatience with you or Carson I can see the hurt it causes. It's a hard cycle to break. I apologize to you at least twice a day for not being patient. So, I'm working on it.

And there are so many times in life when being patient will serve you well. When we struggle to wait for God's timing and we try to hurry through life at our own pace. Be patient. Life is fleetingly quick. Love the small moments. Thank God for the quiet and the mundane because beauty can always be found there.

These last 5 years have been the hardest and absolute best of my life. Parenting you has taught me the vastness and power of love. Enduring, soul-searing, amazing love. It has shown me further the love that God has for us, for me. I have such hopes for you. Keep asking questions about Jesus-- He is what matters most. Cultivate relationships and friendships and show kindness to others. Your hugs and constant chatter can light up the darkest of days. Your joy and exuberance is a gift to share. You matter more to me than I can possibly write here in one letter. I am so incredibly proud of you.

I love you to the moon and back. A thousand times over. And, I love you more than anything in the whole wide world.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mama

Summer Phone Dump (Part 1)

I really love summers. I like the break from our school routines. I like planning outings for the boys and watching them enjoy lazy days, play dates, ice cream cones and visiting their daddy at work.

But summers are hard. We are on our own quite a bit and there are a lot of hours in the day to fill. But I like so many days of play time with the boys, just the three of us, navigating through chaos and craziness and short tempers and struggles for patience. Being a mom is HARD. Every single day. Luckily, most days the blessing are bigger than the struggles. Most days.

Peach ice cream at Jaemor Farms.

Many many trips to the splash pad.

We spent a lot of time working on sharing this summer. He wasn't always thrilled with the concept.

Cargy's favorite part of any activity is snack time. He gets that from me.

Carver "fixed" my sunglasses, after breaking them.

Celebrated Eli's 3rd birthday party. 

This summer I was in charge of preschool crafts for Vacation Bible School. It was a ton of work and more stressful than it probably should have been, but I loved it. I'll miss it next summer.

The boys eating lunch while I set up my VBS room.

We visited Unicoi State Park and played in the creek with friends. 

I finally (finally) met my goal weight. And lifted my ban on selfies. Just this once.

Carver raided the costume closet at camp and found this monstrosity.

I fell down the stairs. While holding Carson.

They played in the rain A LOT. Carver has always loved playing in the rain. It has taken Cargy awhile to warm up to the activity. 

Eating with Daddy at camp!

Stay tuned for more summer updates and another phone dump :)

This is my favorite...

Summers in Florida. Well, trips to Florida in general. Summers there are very hot.

The boys and I headed to Florida for a couple of weeks as soon as Carver finished up at school. I just love going to Florida. I like taking the boys home and to theme parks and to the beach. I like to share things from my childhood with them.

And going home is just nice. I like being there. It is familiar and safe and easy. The boys love it there and they adore my parents and my parents are so helpful. We stay busy but not stressed. We play outside and we feed the goats and cows. The boys get (more) spoiled and so do I.

So we go home as often as we can. For this visit we were there for two whole weeks!

Dinosaur World is one of our current favorite Florida activities. It is never crowded, incredibly clean and well-maintained, and perfect for young kids.

Blueberry picking!

A quick trip to the beach for dinner and a little unplanned play time in the water.

Chuck E. Cheese's!

We took the boys back to Sea World. It was a perfect day. Weather was tolerable, the crowds were light and the boys were great. Best theme park day, for sure.

We stayed the night at The Fountains in Orlando and headed to the Magic Kingdom the next day. This will always be my favorite theme park. The boys love all things Disney. It was a bit more crowded than we hoped but still so worth it.

The next day we headed to the Disney Village (Downtown Disney) for lunch at the Rainforest Cafe before heading back to Bartow.

My favorite meal of the trip was during our second quick trip to the beach. We ate an early dinner at Crabby Bill's and then headed back down to the beach to let the boys play for a bit.

We also had some down time to play at my parent's house and rest a bit.

Towards the end of our visit we headed to Busch Gardens. It would have been a perfect day if the weather hadn't turned CRAZY, cutting our day short.

And no trip to Florida would be complete without a visit or two here...

And we had to feed the cows and goats a few more times...

And this. Probably completely inappropriate for the blog but...