18 Months

Today is 18 months since Delia died. This morning I was reading my Bible (for the first time in longer than I care to admit-- this summer has has almost broken me) and the second verse I read was Romans 9:2, "I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart."  I thought that was so very, very fitting for my day.

There is an element of contentment that I have not quite been able to get back since she died. I am not unhappy, I am not filled with grief every moment of every day-- but the ache is there, deep in my chest, and that never totally goes away.

I just miss her. It is simple really. She was a sidekick, a constant, a diligent companion, a loyal friend. That's a hard loss to get past. And so I grieve for her. But after 18 months, the grief has eased enough to let the extreme thankfulness I have that she was mine to emerge. I am so very very thankful. I owe her a debt I will never be able to repay. She saved my life in those first years of extreme unhappiness in this new city. Without friends and Daniel working such long hours. I like to think we saved each other. I think she just might have needed me too.

So I am thankful. Blessed that God knew I needed her. That my parents found her and Daniel let her come to live with us. Thankful that she was a perfect fit for me.

And I am so grateful to have Lea. She can't fill the void that Delia left but every single day she offers me comfort and companionship that only a dog can. Children, husbands, friends, parents all give so much to fulfill me. But dogs are the only things that do so without making any demands. She loves me, and I love her and I am so relieved to have her-- especially now. And as she gets older, approaching her 11th birthday, I can only pray that she lives a few more years. And that she knows how cherished she is.