This love.

Carson loves to snuggle. In general, if he is being held he is content. He likes to be held tight, right up against me. If we are laying down together and I try to move him over to get a little room he inevitably wiggles his way back down so he is pressed right up to me once again.

I can't adequately tell you what good things this does to my heart.

I love to watch him sleep. I love how long his eyelashes look when his eyes are closed. I love how he tucks his fists up under his chin or flings one arm across my chest when he is deeply asleep.

When I found out I was pregnant with Carson I knew what to expect. I understood, this second time around, that the end result of these 40 weeks would be an incredible, life-changing  love. Because that is what I first felt with Carver.

Watching Carson, or even Carver, sleep just fills me with hope. Hope for the future, hope for the world. I feel so much excitement and curiosity about what the future will hold. About what is coming in these next months and years.

But, I also struggle with being fearful. Which I have discussed here before.

Deciding to have a second child has increased this anxiety I feel. My word, I worry about these boys. Not particularly rational worries, my fears often just take hold and then overwhelm my rational side. I've said it dozens of times now, but I really believe that parenting is an extreme act of faith. Because I know, that no matter how hard I try, I can't keep the boys totally safe. The thought terrifies me, but I have to learn to use it as a reminder to pray.To pray without ceasing that my boys will be safe. That they will be happy. That they will know extraordinary love, peace, and grace.

This love I feel for them completely overwhelms me. And I will continue to fight not to get weighed down by my worries and fears. These days are passing so quickly. Soon, Carson will no longer want to snuggle with me all day long. And Carver will no longer beg me to carry him upstairs, or rock with him in the glider. If I could stop this passage of time I would. I would hold on to every moment, big and small. But, I can't keep my children young and with me (all the time) forever. But, I can pray for them. And I will do this diligently.

I will pray for their safety.

I will pray for their happiness.

I will pray for their character.

I will pray for their future.

This love. It feels like so much more than my heart can hold.