Brothers

Sometimes they are sweet...

and sometimes they are not.

Sometimes they just hang out....

 and sometimes they annoy each other.

And one day, big brother will teach little brother all of his tricks.

This love.

Carson loves to snuggle. In general, if he is being held he is content. He likes to be held tight, right up against me. If we are laying down together and I try to move him over to get a little room he inevitably wiggles his way back down so he is pressed right up to me once again.

I can't adequately tell you what good things this does to my heart.

I love to watch him sleep. I love how long his eyelashes look when his eyes are closed. I love how he tucks his fists up under his chin or flings one arm across my chest when he is deeply asleep.

When I found out I was pregnant with Carson I knew what to expect. I understood, this second time around, that the end result of these 40 weeks would be an incredible, life-changing  love. Because that is what I first felt with Carver.

Watching Carson, or even Carver, sleep just fills me with hope. Hope for the future, hope for the world. I feel so much excitement and curiosity about what the future will hold. About what is coming in these next months and years.

But, I also struggle with being fearful. Which I have discussed here before.

Deciding to have a second child has increased this anxiety I feel. My word, I worry about these boys. Not particularly rational worries, my fears often just take hold and then overwhelm my rational side. I've said it dozens of times now, but I really believe that parenting is an extreme act of faith. Because I know, that no matter how hard I try, I can't keep the boys totally safe. The thought terrifies me, but I have to learn to use it as a reminder to pray.To pray without ceasing that my boys will be safe. That they will be happy. That they will know extraordinary love, peace, and grace.

This love I feel for them completely overwhelms me. And I will continue to fight not to get weighed down by my worries and fears. These days are passing so quickly. Soon, Carson will no longer want to snuggle with me all day long. And Carver will no longer beg me to carry him upstairs, or rock with him in the glider. If I could stop this passage of time I would. I would hold on to every moment, big and small. But, I can't keep my children young and with me (all the time) forever. But, I can pray for them. And I will do this diligently.

I will pray for their safety.

I will pray for their happiness.

I will pray for their character.

I will pray for their future.

This love. It feels like so much more than my heart can hold.

A new role.

Even though I have been a mom now for 2 years and 8 months, I feel like my job description is still constantly changing and evolving.

And I love it.

This Fall, I am now the parent of a child that attends school. Which means that I now get to be involved in "school stuff."

So fun!

I feel a little embarrassed to admit how much I am loving this stuff. And school has only been in session for 1 month so far. But it is really fun to be involved with Carver as he starts in this newest phase of life.

Two weeks ago I baked a lot of goodies for the school bake sale.

The pile o' goodies: Peanut Butter Chocolate Bars; Fluffer Nutter Bites; Oreo Cheesecake cookies; Rolo Stuffed Snickerdoodles. (This was a fabulous way to use all those Pinterest recipes I have pinned!)

This week it was our week to provide Carver's class with snacks on Tuesday and Thursday.

Snack Mix: Annie's Graham Bunnies, Pretzel Goldfish; Space Adventures Goldfish; Craisins; honey sesame sticks. (plus yogurt covered raisins, not pictured)

Tuesday Snack: Snack mix; individual fruit cups (strawberries, grapes, blueberries, and raspberries)

Thursday Snack: Mini Muffin Trio (pumpkin apple, carrot/apple/coconut, sweet potato oat); Buddy Fruits
See Weelicious for the muffin recipes. Love this website-- thanks, Ellen, for introducing it to me many months ago!

I am so neurotic. I spent an obscene amount of time trying to decide what to make for these things. Pouring over recipes for the bake sale items, and thinking through what would be the perfect snacks for a class of 4 two-year-olds. Really, it is embarrassing.

And, I can't wait to do it again....

Seriously, what does this say about my life?

Eight Months

Over 200 days since I saw Delia last. Eight months and I think about her at least a dozen times every single day. Every single day.

Grief is such a terrible thing. It just changes you. And I know that some handle it better than others. I do not handle it well.

There has been a lot of loss in the last years.

I just feel this constant ache. A hurt that doesn't ever go completely away.Most days I choose to just not think about Delia. That seems so wrong, but I just can't bear it.  I can't stand that she is gone. It is a horrible thing.

I miss her everyday. All day.

No change, even eight months later.

August Phone Dump

A few of our previously unmentioned August happenings...

We revisited the lunch-inside-easter-eggs, just for fun.

Craft time-- cardboard, colored fluffy balls, crayons and glue stick. We're very high tech around here.

Carver looking more and more like a big boy.

Bedtime with Lea...

and Daddy. (and me taking pics, of course)

I came home on our anniversary to find these waiting for me. It reminded me of our last summer at Crestridge when Daniel put fresh flowers in my cabin every single week. One of my favorite memories of our dating days.

Late night ice cream run in our pjs.

We need to work on the art of eating a cone. No, you can't take a bite out of the middle.

Tummy time!

The boys just chilling, you know, with Carver using Carson as an armrest. Of course.

Carver. No explanation needed.

Sneaky Carver with stolen M&Ms (stolen from the counter, not the store. No felons here.)

Holding on for dear life. Carson often has this panicked look on his face. I blame Carver. I probably have the same look on my face much of the time.

Whoa, belly!

Bouncy house fun @ MOPS

He was a sweaty, dirty mess.

But he loved every minute of it.

Cooling off :)

Going down the stairs rather than the slide. Nonconformist.

Carver's new 'do. Shorter than expected. It's cute, but I think we'll let it grow out some and save the shaved head for summertime.

Sweet boys in their shirts from Brooke!

Playing at Strong Rock during family camp weekend.

Watching Daddy make huge bubbles.

And trying to do it himself.

Sitting with the other kids. Yes, SITTING. Maybe school really is worth every penny we are paying.

The life of a camp kid.

A little mosquito protection while out at camp. He was not amused.

It was another busy and crazy month in our household. Equal parts routine, chaos, stress and fun.

I'm exhausted.

Ansley

At around this time of year, in the Fall of 2000, I was starting my second year living with my two very best friends. Brooke, Jenny, and I lived in Gainesville together and had a fabulously cute apartment. The two years we lived together were some of the best in my life.

After living together for one full year, we decided it was time to tackle parenthood. And along came Ansley. The most adorable yellow lab puppy on the planet. I so vividly remember driving to go and see the litter of lab puppies. So excited and hopeful to choose a puppy to take home with us. If I remember correctly, Ansley was the last yellow lab puppy and we knew immediately that she was the one.

We left the breeders home with our new bundle and went to Petsmart to get her everything she could possibly need.

As a puppy, Ansley was a glorious mess. I think we were so unprepared for those next months of puppy training. Ansley whined and cried at night so eventually she had to sleep in Brooke's room with her. She chewed up everything in sight, including a hole in the wall. She was bursting with energy.

We paid for her to be professionally trained-- overall it was such a failure. Ansley was who she was-- and we loved her for it.

After that one year we all went separate ways. Brooke got married, Jenny moved in with her sister, and I moved in with Dillon. But, though Ansley lived with Jenny, she stayed a part of all of us. I took her home with me to Bartow on weekends and helped with letting her out and such when Jenny was working. Later, she lived in Asheville with Daniel (I couldn't have pets at the house I rented) while Jenny was in graduate school in Boston and I saw her almost every day.

Over the last few years Ansley has come to Georgia a number of times when Jenny has come to visit. And I've seen her in Florida when we were there at the same time. One of her most endearing qualities was her exuberance for life. She was SO excited to see me every time I saw her. She would nudge and nudge and nudge my arm to pet her. Or rub up against us, wagging and wagging her tail. Ansley was okay with other dogs, but what she really loved was people. And what she loved best? That's easy.

Jenny.

The relationship between Jenny and Ansley reminds me a lot of my relationship with Delia. They were a perfect match.  Never has a dog been more loved or better cared for than the way Jenny took care of and loved Ansley. Ansley loved me, and she loved Brooke, but she loved Jenny. They were such close companions in a way that I can so relate to in what I had with Delia. 

Ansley has had a number of health problems over the last months and years. Jenny fought very hard to give her anything and everything she could possibly need. She enabled Ansley to maintain a great quality of life even at 12 years old. 

Ansley died a week ago and the loss has been, of course, horrifying and traumatic for Jenny. A grief that I know so well and really didn't want to experience again so soon after losing Delia.  Losing a companion like Ansley just changes your whole life. It is so hard to know that Jenny is dealing with that extreme loss right now. And there is nothing to say or do to help ease that grief. It is a constant ache and something that haunts every moment, making sleep difficult and "moving on" feel so impossible. Her whole world has changed and it means that she now has to find a new normal-- and that can be a terrible thing.

Jenny is my best friend and I love her dearly. And I loved Ansley. I am thankful that Jenny gave Ansley such an incredible life and I love that Ansley gave so much back to Jenny. I loved knowing that they were always together-- taking care of each other.

I am so sad that she is gone. She has been a part of our lives for a dozen years and she entered our lives at such a special time in our friendship.

No loss is easy, but this one feels particularly hard.