First Month

I can't believe that Carver is already one month old. I guess since the first two weeks passed in a complete blur of sickness and drugs it has made the weeks pass more quickly. At first I thought that it would be such a relief when he got a little older and was sleeping better, etc. But, now I realize that I want time to pass as slowly as possible so that I can cherish every stage and every moment. Already he looks different than he did at the hospital, which is a little sad to me, that even his physical appearance changes so quickly. I can't get over how lucky I feel to have him-- even the hard days are good days. He has already changed my life in basically every way.

It's been a learning process but we are starting to figure things out. Only for the last week have I been completely on my own with Carver (while Daniel is at work), and I think we are surviving quite well. We have had a lot of good bonding time though sometimes I struggle to find things to "do" with him. I mean, what kind of entertainment do month old babies like? We rock in the glider, play in his swing and bouncy seat, read books, sing, watch tv, and go for walks. I hope this is enough stimulation for him. I'm sure one day I will feel confident enough to venture out of the house with him alone, but for now I am content in the safety bubble of my home. I've never watched this much television in my entire life.

I had a reality check the other day when I unloaded the dishwasher and felt SO productive and proud of myself. Sad, isn't it? But, as the days go by I do get more accomplished. Because Carver will only sit by himself for very short spells I am learning to be VERY efficient with my time. So far it is working and I think I am keeping things under control. Now if only I could make myself get dressed more often I think I would be doing well. But, when you don't leave the house it seems pointless to change out of pajamas or sweats. I'm becoming the cliche new mom who just lets herself go...something to work on, but not right now.

Last night I got to clean an impressively large amount of urine off of the walls in the nursery, and the changing table, and Carver's entire body...yep we had an "accident." Totally my fault. Carver lulled me into a false sense of security because I always covered him when changing his diaper but he never had an accident. Messy but funny.

Carver just does the cutest and funniest things. I love his expressions. Even when crying he just looks so cute-- his sad face just breaks my heart already. I never realized that newborns had such personalities but they really do. I'm tired and a little overwhelmed but I am loving this new phase in my life. If I can keep my worries and fears at bay I think we will do well. It is so hard not to want to wrap your child in bubble wrap and keep him from any and all potential harm. The thought of him being hurt or sick terrifies me. Having a child is definitely a practice in faith. I just pray and pray that he will be healthy and happy and whole. He is such a joy and a blessing. I hope he already can feel how much his daddy and I love him.