The boys had their last day at school on Friday, March 13th. Today is May 22nd and for the last 9 weeks we have been at our house for about 90% of each week. I make trips to do grocery pick-up at Walmart about every two weeks; I go through the drive thru at Starbucks about once a week; we go to the conference center to let the dogs and boys get some sunshine every now and then; and I have physically walked into a store around 5 times over the last nine weeks.
So we are just....home. It has all been just a strange experience-- not all good for sure, but not all bad either. I like to be home. I like to not have anywhere that I have to go or be. I like,
really like, having the boys home all of the time. This year especially, with Carver turning 10 in December, I have started feeling like the time left at home with the boys is passing far too quickly. Carver's childhood is halfway over and that feels overwhelming and impossibly sad to me. Getting to have both boys home all the time for the last couple of months have in some ways felt like such an enormous gift.
The boys are just here with me all the time. And for the most part, that hasn't felt like a burden at all. I haven't wanted or needed a break from them. And it certainly hasn't been all rosy and sunshiny. They fight literally all day long. They don't play well together and they are often unkind to each other. This makes me angry and impatient with them a lot and I don't like the way I respond to them. We are doing virtual school and that has gone well overall but there are moments every single day where I just need to walk away and I lose all interest in whether they are actually completing their work or learning anything at all. Again, not my best moments.
But I love having them home. I love it that I am not missing hours every day with them like I do when they are at school. I genuinely want them with me all the time-- even with the drama and headaches and irritations.
What I really miss is getting to plan outings for them-- that is one of my favorite things. I like to take them to play at the mall, to the nature center, to parks and playgrounds, to church and to playdates. I miss those sorts of things so much. And I miss traveling with them. Traveling with them is hands down my favorite thing to do. We missed our Spring Break trip this year (normally to Florida, but this year we were going to visit Jenny in Ohio), and I am so worried for whatever summer trips we would have planned. The idea of not getting to travel any with them this summer is something I won't even consider right now. We would all be heartbroken.
On the harder side of things, quarantine has certainly made Daniel's job change dramatically. No groups means no income for Ridgecrest and, while Daniel is still working normal hours, the future of the conference center is unclear. This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. Those worries and fears, and frankly, just the sadness I feel about it all.
I also find Covid scary. Legitimately worrisome. I'm worried about my parents. I worry that I will get sick and my kids will be raised without me. I worry that my kids will get sick themselves and they'll be in the small minority of kids that get
really sick.
I'm worried about the economy. I'm worried about the financial stability of my family.
I'm worried about what will happen if we can't get back to "normal." And I worry about what will happen when quarantine is over and life resumes.
It is such an odd moment we are living in. The historian in me finds it rather fascinating. Because I know all that is happening now will be studied and documented for decades and centuries to come-- and not just medically, but also from economic, social, and political standpoints.
The hardest part of all of this, in my tiny insignificant experience, has been mundane things like planning and preparing three meals a day every single day. Working within a tight budget and still maintaining some sort of healthy meals, crafts and activities, and gifts for special occasions. Doing dishes
all day long. Keeping the house kind of clean while we are all home 24 hours a day. Trying to diet and exercise while also feeling a strong urge to cook and bake and try out new recipes.
I am grateful that my worries are only these and that my family and I are healthy. We aren't frontline healthcare workers and we haven't had anyone in our circles diagnosed with Covid-19. This is something I am thankful for every single day. The stories of sickness and loss in the news are
heartbreaking, and I can't stop thinking about all of the people worldwide who are scared and sick and alone.
I hope this passes soon. I hope the loss of life doesn't continue to grow so fast. I hope that life can return to some form of normalcy.
But I am eternally thankful that a side benefit of this chaos has been that I have uninterrupted time with the boys. I hope they will remember this season in life as a good moment in their childhoods.
