Eleven Months

I really hate this grief. I hate that I feel compelled to write about Delia on the 4th of every month because if I didn't then it would be like she was forgotten. I hate that the holidays are coming up and she won't be here. I hate that I have had to be without her for almost an entire year now.

Grief is like a living, breathing thing. It has become a companion and such a normal part of my life. Thinking of her and feeling that weight of sadness has become as much a part of my routine as anything else in my day.

I think the most frustrating part is not knowing how to not be sad she is gone. How to not be overwhelmed by just a longing to have her here-- for things to go back to normal. This entire year has been too much. Just too much. I feel this need to move on, to let go, to accept and get past all of this. But I don't know how. I just can't seem to do it.