Delia

It has been two weeks since Delia died, and 17 days since I saw her last. I am keeping a running count in my head. Not intentionally, I just can't seem to help it. Twenty times a day I hear Daniel's voice in my head saying, "Delia passed away last night," and it is like a ringing in my ears.

I can't say that this grief process is worse or harder than I thought it would be. I knew it would be overwhelming. But it's just not possible to really know how you will handle a situation until you are drowning in it and trying to fight your way out. And I think drowning is an appropriate term. I feel like I can't breathe. When I struggle to the top and find some relief, I just get knocked back down again. Over and over.

Maybe the unreality of this situation is gone. The first days were difficult. I went out of town and then never saw Delia again. No closure or "realness" to the situation. I had left her occasionally for days at a time before. But certainly never for 17 days. As each day ends and the reality of the next day dawning without Delia I think the finality of all this has really become apparent. And that is the hardest part for me, the finality. This is it. I can grieve, cry, be angry, overwhelmed, frustrated or depressed. But, when night comes none of that will change anything. The next day will still come. Delia will still not be here. It is what it is.

For me, Delia dying is so much less than losing a child (I get that now), but so much more than losing a pet. It is a difficult loss because in the back of my head is the nagging voice that I need to move on, get over it, accept it, deal with it, just let it go. I understand that that is logical and rational. But, I just can't figure out how to do that. I can tell myself, all day long, that I am being unreasonable, that this grief has to end. That Daniel's patience with me will one day run out, that I will have no more friends if I can't start returning calls and emails. But I can't seem to drum up any desire to do any of these things.

My house feels fundamentally wrong now.

I just desperately miss her.