I don't know why nights are so miserably bad for me, but I can manage to get through functionally during the day and then I completely crash once night falls. Every night.
I am so miserably sad. I am miserable enough to keep venting my feelings in this semi-public forum. Which is embarrassing. And frustrating. And I just keep doing it.
I guess I just want people to understand that Delia's death really matters. It really matters because her life really mattered so very much to me. She was, and is, one of the most important things in my life. Not more important than family or friends, but still incredibly vital to me. To my life. To my stability.
I received the call tonight that her ashes are ready to be picked up. Not the best voicemail I have ever received. Cremation is horrifying to me. I didn't want to cremate Delia, but I didn't know where to put her. We hope to move eventually and I couldn't just leave her behind so cremating her made the most sense. But, the knowledge that she has now been reduced to mere ashes...I can't stand it.
I am completely exhausted. Too much grief. Too much anxiety. Too much anger and frustration and utter sadness. It's no better, if anything it is getting worse. Maybe because it is starting to feel like I should be putting this behind, like people are expecting to stop hearing about this, that I should be moving along, letting it go.
I am angry that she isn't here. I am irritated that Lea is alive and Delia isn't. (Though God knows I don't want anything to happen to Lea). I am frustrated to be going through something so traumatizing without Delia because she is (was) such a big source of comfort to me.
I can't sleep because Delia slept with us.
She loved me whole-heartedly, with utter loyalty and complete abandon. She was probably the only living thing on earth that I always wanted to be around, never annoyed me, that I never needed space from.
I am so angry that I didn't have more time. Angry that she just abruptly died without any real warning. I am angry that Carver will not have any memories of her and I am angry that I will not get to introduce her to our new son. I am so very angry.
But I am so incredibly thankful for her. Despite this drama and sadness I am so very very thankful that she was a part of my life for these last 6 years. So thankful. There are so many things that I miss. So many tiny memories that I will hold onto from these last years. Memories that are so painful now, but that I think will be a source of joy to me one day.
There are so many worse things that I could be dealing with. Things that I don't even want to think about. Things that I would never survive, that would totally break me. I know so many people are dealing with so much more than this...
I know that none of this makes sense. That "normal" people don't grieve like this for a dog. I can't explain it. But she was just Delia to me, not a pet, and not a dog. She was a friend and a companion with a distinct personality and a unique relationship with me.
And she still matters.
I wish I could be thankful for what I have, rather than miserable for what I have lost.
