New York!

For Christmas, Daniel "gave" me a weekend trip to New York. The catch? It was for just the two of us, Carver had to stay at home.

It was difficult for me to agree to leave him for the very first time. Really difficult. But, I knew that Daniel and I would have an incredible time, just the two of us, and that an opportunity like this would not happen again for a really, really, long time.

So, about a week ago we kissed the boy goodbye and headed off to the airport. We arrived in New York on Friday afternoon and got settled into our hotel. Which was right in Times Square and super nice. After settling in we explored the surrounding area a bit, sampled some street food, and headed back to the hotel to get ready for dinner.

The view from our hotel room-- Friday

Times Square

Street Food!

Empanadas

For our first night we followed a recommendation from our concierge and went to the Italian restaurant, Tramonti, on "restaurant row" not a far walk from our hotel. The restaurant was very good, and non-kid-friendly, which was perfect. The interior was dimly lit, with dark wood floors and beams, white linens, and excellent food-- we loved it. The exterior had some random, sort of breezeway of sorts added with a somewhat tacky yellow sign that seemed so out of place with the style of restaurant. But, otherwise it was a great choice. We had bruschetta, salad, and pizza (of course).

After dinner we grabbed a taxi and headed to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We had about 2 hours until closing and I could have literally spent the entire day there. We headed directly to the most important areas-- Greek and Roman sculptures, medieval art and artifacts, etc. It is an enormous and absolutely incredible museum. I think Daniel even liked it.



On Saturday morning we woke up to falling snow and freezing temperatures. We bundled up and braved the elements in search of FAO Schwarz. We did a little shopping for the boys, found a Starbucks, and explored the incredible shopping establishments.

The view from our hotel-- Saturday

Lunch was at Junior's (also a recommendation). They had really good sandwiches, burgers. etc.

I really love places that bring out random starters. Here it was pickled onions and beets, and slaw with pickles.

Creative parking solution...

After lunch we rested at the hotel for a bit before getting ready for our last night out. On Saturday night we ate dinner at Stecchino, a bistro in Hell's Kitchen. Another not-kid-friendly establishment. We had salad, pork chop (me), ribs (Daniel), and a chocolate tart for dessert. It was fabulous.

Heading out to dinner and the show.

My grilled pork chop with potatoes, spinach and cherry peppers.

Chocolate Macadamia Nut Tart

After dinner we walked across the street to see Wicked! The seats were about 3 rows from the front in the orchestra section and they were expensive but oh-so-worth-it. I loved the show, absolutely loved it.

Our hotel is behind the sign-- the tall building in center (top) of picture.

Sunday we headed home. Which I was actually a little sad about. I was super excited to see Carver but I sort of wished I had agreed to one more day in NYC. Our flight home was great-- we flew business class and I am now convinced that it is the only way to fly :)

Just look at this view on Sunday-- it was a gorgeous day. Seriously, I almost begged Daniel to stay one more day.

I am so grateful to Daniel for setting up this extravagant gift. It was so much fun to be a "couple" again and not just parents. (Though I don't plan to leave Carver again for a really long time). It was a perfect trip, an incredible memory, and I am so incredibly thankful for that time we got to spend together.

I'm already daydreaming about where we should go next :) In a year or so...

Exhausted

I don't know why nights are so miserably bad for me, but I can manage to get through functionally during the day and then I completely crash once night falls. Every night.

I am so miserably sad. I am miserable enough to keep venting my feelings in this semi-public forum. Which is embarrassing. And frustrating. And I just keep doing it.

I guess I just want people to understand that Delia's death really matters. It really matters because her life really mattered so very much to me. She was, and is, one of the most important things in my life. Not more important than family or friends, but still incredibly vital to me. To my life. To my stability.

I received the call tonight that her ashes are ready to be picked up. Not the best voicemail I have ever received. Cremation is horrifying to me. I didn't want to cremate Delia, but I didn't know where to put her. We hope to move eventually and I couldn't just leave her behind so cremating her made the most sense. But, the knowledge that she has now been reduced to mere ashes...I can't stand it.

I am completely exhausted. Too much grief. Too much anxiety. Too much anger and frustration and utter sadness. It's no better, if anything it is getting worse. Maybe because it is starting to feel like I should be putting this behind, like people are expecting to stop hearing about this, that I should be moving along, letting it go.

I am angry that she isn't here. I am irritated that Lea is alive and Delia isn't. (Though God knows I don't want anything to happen to Lea). I am frustrated to be going through something so traumatizing without Delia because she is (was) such a big source of comfort to me.

I can't sleep because Delia slept with us.

She loved me whole-heartedly, with utter loyalty and complete abandon. She was probably the only living thing on earth that I always wanted to be around, never annoyed me, that I never needed space from.

I am so angry that I didn't have more time. Angry that she just abruptly died without any real warning. I am angry that Carver will not have any memories of her and I am angry that I will not get to introduce her to our new son. I am so very angry.

But I am so incredibly thankful for her. Despite this drama and sadness I am so very very thankful that she was a part of my life for these last 6 years. So thankful. There are so many things that I miss. So many tiny memories that I will hold onto from these last years. Memories that are so painful now, but that I think will be a source of joy to me one day.

There are so many worse things that I could be dealing with. Things that I don't even want to think about. Things that I would never survive, that would totally break me. I know so many people are dealing with so much more than this...

I know that none of this makes sense. That "normal" people don't grieve like this for a dog. I can't explain it. But she was just Delia to me, not a pet, and not a dog. She was a friend and a companion with a distinct personality and a unique relationship with me.

And she still matters.

I wish I could be thankful for what I have, rather than miserable for what I have lost.

21 Days

Goodbyes....and hello

This has been a month of goodbyes...

Recently we also said goodbye to my Ford Escape-- after an almost 9 year relationship....



...and said hello to a new-to-me 2009 Honda Pilot.



I struggle with changes. All changes. But, maybe this is one I'll be able to handle.

So far we're loving the new car.

Delia

It has been two weeks since Delia died, and 17 days since I saw her last. I am keeping a running count in my head. Not intentionally, I just can't seem to help it. Twenty times a day I hear Daniel's voice in my head saying, "Delia passed away last night," and it is like a ringing in my ears.

I can't say that this grief process is worse or harder than I thought it would be. I knew it would be overwhelming. But it's just not possible to really know how you will handle a situation until you are drowning in it and trying to fight your way out. And I think drowning is an appropriate term. I feel like I can't breathe. When I struggle to the top and find some relief, I just get knocked back down again. Over and over.

Maybe the unreality of this situation is gone. The first days were difficult. I went out of town and then never saw Delia again. No closure or "realness" to the situation. I had left her occasionally for days at a time before. But certainly never for 17 days. As each day ends and the reality of the next day dawning without Delia I think the finality of all this has really become apparent. And that is the hardest part for me, the finality. This is it. I can grieve, cry, be angry, overwhelmed, frustrated or depressed. But, when night comes none of that will change anything. The next day will still come. Delia will still not be here. It is what it is.

For me, Delia dying is so much less than losing a child (I get that now), but so much more than losing a pet. It is a difficult loss because in the back of my head is the nagging voice that I need to move on, get over it, accept it, deal with it, just let it go. I understand that that is logical and rational. But, I just can't figure out how to do that. I can tell myself, all day long, that I am being unreasonable, that this grief has to end. That Daniel's patience with me will one day run out, that I will have no more friends if I can't start returning calls and emails. But I can't seem to drum up any desire to do any of these things.

My house feels fundamentally wrong now.

I just desperately miss her.

Grandpa

January has been a difficult month and 2012 is not looking promising so far.

Grandpa died unexpectedly on the evening of January 5th. He had slowly, and difficultly, been recovering from heart surgery when he suffered a massive stroke on that Thursday morning. He was my last living grandparent and an incredibly special man.

My favorite thing about Grandpa was his storytelling. Maybe it is because of the role that history plays in my life-- I have a profound love of the intimacy of oral history. Grandpa had a wealth of stories that he loved to share. Some were about his childhood and his family. Others were about his time in the Navy during World War I. In general I did not know many of the people he would talk about in his stories, but he had a way of telling them that just captured attention.

I am so thankful that I was able to visit with him regularly during my trips home over the last several years and I am incredibly grateful that he was able to meet Carver. Grandpa and Grandma Ruby were also able to visit us, here in Georgia, during the first year or two we were married. I love it that they, who did not travel much the last few years, was able to see my home, and visit camp, and spend the whole day with us. It is a special memory and one that I am very thankful for.

But what I am most thankful for is that because he was such a good man, he was able to raise my father to be the man that he is. We have the most incredible Dad-- and I feel like Grandpa should be given some credit for that. Grandpa was kind, sincere, thoughtful, and well-respected. A role model for all of us.

Daniel, Carver and I made a whirlwind trip down to Bartow for the funeral. Grandpa was given a military graveside service which I found incredibly touching. Grandma Ruby was presented with the folded flag, Taps was played and shots were fired. After the close of the graveside service, a member of the military color guard came up to Lyle (who was in his full formal uniform), saluted him, and presented him with the spent shell casings from the shots fired. It was an incredible moment to me and one that I know must have greatly impacted Lyle. I am so thankful that I got to see it.

Death, loss, grief are all just so incredibly difficult to me. For everyone, I guess. Grandpa was much-loved and will be greatly missed.

Carver's 2nd Birthday Party-- "Camping" at Strong Rock

(Special thanks to my sweet friend Amanda for designing and making Carver's shirt for him-- I absolutely love it)

For Carver's birthday party with my family we picked a "camping" theme to fit in with our time at Strong Rock over Christmas. I had so much fun planning this themed party and I think it turned out well :) Carver had a great time playing with his cousins, was super interested in opening his presents, and loved having everyone sing to him.

The Invitations (front and back view)

I think he likes being the center of attention. But, that's the point of birthday parties, right?

The centerpieces.

Party Bags for all 6 kids:

Passing out the bags.

These favor bags also included a mini LED flashlight but Carver absconded with it before I could get it in a picture. The flashlights were an enormous hit with all the kids. (Don't worry, Julia's bag did not contain the Curious George book). Thanks to my mom for all her help finding things for these bags!

Anna Kate's was a little less exciting with only 1 stuffed Otter.

The Menu:

Chicken Stew
BBQ Sandwiches
Baked Beans (Regular and Vegetarian)
Green Beans
Trail Mix: Honey Nut Chex, mini chocolate chips, marshmallows, Teddy Grahams
Smores!

(Kicking myself for not pouring the sauces into better bowls...)

The entertainment...the tent, not Daniel.

Time for presents!

Focused.

Aunt Courtney + mini marshmallows=

Carver's "big" birthday & Christmas presents from Daniel and me-- toy box and small table with chairs. (The cute placemat is from Grandmama and Granddaddy along with the matching lunchbox above).