Family Bonding

Last week Daniel and I had the distinct good fortune to be able to spend a few days hanging out in Lynchburg with Lyle and the kiddos. As mentioned in a previous post, Holly was going to be out of town for a few days. That means, we got to play with the boys! (Sweet Bailey was at school so we only got to see her at night).

It was fun to really get to spend a few days of uninterrupted time with Will and Tommy. Since Tommy is only two, I really hadn't gotten to spend as much time with him as I had the older two. He is such a sweet boy-- very laid back and easygoing. He and Will play so well together that we hardly had to do anything at all to entertain them. Will says the funniest things and loved playing with Carver. He would bring him toys and hug him and keep an eye on him for us. Carver loved the boys too-- but he especially loved their toys. Which Tommy had a slightly hard time dealing with. Of course, who could blame him? Carver liked to crawl over and steal whatever Tommy or Will were holding.

All in all it was a great week. I loved spending time with Lyle and his kids. It makes me desperately wish that we all lived closer together. The week would have been perfect if Holly had been around the whole time-- the visit just wasn't complete without her there.

Here are a few pics of Carver and his favorite boy cousins.

Thorn

In the Bible Paul makes no secret of the fact that he has a "thorn in his side." Because there is no specific explanation, there are a number of theories as to what this "thorn" could be. Some scholars think it is a physical infirmity or disability, others believe it is a struggle of a spiritual nature. Regardless, it is something that weakened Paul, made him feel unworthy at times, but ultimately strengthened his faith.

But, he struggled with it, and he would cry out to God to take that burden away.

Fear is the thorn in my side.

When I was young, a child even, I would pray at night that I would be the first to die. Morbid, I know. Selfish, too. But I would even pray that I would go before my great-grandmother-- who was 104 when she died when I was only 10 (and I wasn't even close to her), or my grandmother who was 92 when she passed away. And of course, this extended to my parents, siblings, friends. In hindsight I see how very selfish this was. I just never wanted to have to deal with loss or grief, and I was willing to pray that I be spared that pain at the expense of my loved ones having to then grieve for me. I like to also think that I didn't fear my death because I knew from an early age where I was going -- this is the up-side to my obsession with death.

As I have grown older, fear has continued to be my constant companion. And, it is usually fear about injury or death to a loved one.

When I got Delia 5 years ago I was a little unprepared for just how much she would come to mean to me. I am still positive I will wait to see how I handle her death before I even consider another dog. Before I had Carver I equated Delia's eventual death with that of a death of a child. The dread of her dying is still there, but now I understand the difference. One I could survive, the other I could not.

I really thought long and hard about whether I wanted children or not. I have always been afraid to add to the already long list of people that I love fiercely and completely. I already feared losing my parents, or Courtney or Lyle, Daniel, my best friends...so why choose to add another name to that list? But, clearly, Carver is here and I wouldn't change that for the world-- but becoming a parent has irrevocably altered me.

Now, I am often crushed by the weight of fear and worry.

Two weeks ago Carver choked on a piece of paper. I was home alone and he found something I didn't realize he could reach. Long story short, he choked, vomited, gagged, while I tried and tried to save him to fix the situation. Because that is what moms do. They fix things. I ended up calling my poor friend and neighbor who ultimately did see and remove the object from his mouth. The whole episode only lasted several minutes and Carver was never unable to breathe but in those few moments I learned a painful lesson.

I can't protect him. I cannot keep him safe. It is my job to keep him safe but I can't do it.

It was a paralyzing moment. It still is.

What I suffer from is not a lack of faith-- though it may sound like that. I mean, we are called to not be fearful, but to cast our fears on Him, to trust in the Lord. And, I do. The thorn in my side is being unable to turn off the thoughts and fears that race through my mind. I wait for some unforeseen event-- the one that will finally break me beyond repair, the one that I will not be able to survive.

And I am so tired of living like this, in this cloud of anxiety and desperation. I know my God will protect me and mine, that he will not give us more than we can handle, that he is a loving and compassionate God-- and ultimately that he loves Carver far more than I will ever be capable of-- isn't that an incredible thought.

So, what to do? Suffer just as Paul did, but struggle against this burden that brings me down. To fight not to be paralyzed by fear. To live my life with hope and beauty and purpose-- not worry, anxiety, and stress. To trust that God will hold Carver (and my parents, siblings, friends, husband) in the palm of his hand where they will be held safe and secure. I will not let this constant fear be the legacy I leave for my son. I will not let it ruin more of my days or my nights.

I know I will probably always struggle with this... but maybe I will at least get better.

But, you know, if God wants to take me first, that's ok by me.

"For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you;
Do not fear, I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13

A brief note...

Unfortunately, we do not have a whole lot going on around here right now. (Except a visit with Carver's Nana and Papa, which he loves!). However, tomorrow we are leaving to head to Lynchburg to play with Lyle and the kiddos for a few days while Holly is out of town. Daniel and I will be keeping Will and Tommy while Lyle is at work and Bailey is at school. I'm excited to have some bonding time with the boys and excited that Carver gets to play with his cousins!

So, we should have a lot of super fun things to report next week, but here are a couple of things to tide you (the teeming numbers of you who read this blog) over.

1) Carver's 9 month stats:
Weight: 19 lbs (and something oz)
Height: 28 inches
Percentages: 50th for both

(Side note: our scale at home says Carver weighs 21 lbs. Assuming the scale at the doctor's office is more accurate then he "lost" 2 lbs...and so did I. Yay. Me.)

2) Carver has learned how a pacifier works--and he loves them. Yep, apparently it took him 9 months. He has always liked to play with them, but not until yesterday did he actually suck on them correctly...right about the time "they" say to start weaning babies from using them. Great.



3) It's been an interesting week with my students-- I'll try to get some student stories up on the blog next week, so stay tuned.

4) Other blog ideas are flying around in my head, as soon as I have time I will provide some postings for your further enjoyment. Maybe they won't even be baby related. I feel some random ruminations coming on.

Check back next week. We're off to play with my favorite nephews and one of my favorite nieces :)

Courtney's Birthday

Today is a special day! Happy birthday to my favorite big sis. I hate living so far away from Court and Jules-- especially during special occasions.

Courtney, I wish I could be around to celebrate with you, but since I can't, in honor of your birthday, here are a few things I am thinking about today (how about them commas?):

1) Our typical big sis/little sis relationship growing up-- me stealing her clothes and stuff, her getting mad about it; her moving out of our shared bedroom when she decided it was not so fun to share a room with me; me wanting to play with her all.the.time while growing up-- she was so cool; me thinking all of her boyfriends were pretty lame....

2) Moving to Gainesville and thanking God she was there to show me the ropes. She registered me for my classes (and not just at the beginning), dropped off my tuition payments, walked me from class to class the first week to show me the best ways to get there. And, taking our 1 and only class ever together-- Astronomy during my first summer at UF with our professor that didn't speak English. I'm convinced he was speaking a foreign language. Oh, and she also drove me to class-- a lot. Saving me from the dreaded RTS (Regional Transit System, i.e. city bus).

3) Spending more time at her apartment than my own.

4) Finally living with her and Jules during my last year at UF-- one of my favorite times.

5) Traveling! London, Hawaii, Denver, Vegas...

6) Many, many trips to Baltimore. Usually 2 or more a year until pregnancy and Carver stopped that. I LOVE spending weeks (or more) in Baltimore with them. Love, love, love it.

7) She (usually) remembers to buy me fun things that she finds for herself-- then she sends them in fun packages.

8) She sends me souvenirs from her (many) international travels.

9) She gives the best presents (i.e. Chanel sunglasses, Hobo wallets, presents for Carver etc)

10) She proof-read my entire 130 pg thesis for me.

11) She is a great mom and therefore a great role model for me. (Just look how fabulous Julia has turned out!)

12) She listens to me vent even though she doesn't like to talk on the phone.

13) We have the same reading interests so we get to share books-- a lot of books...

14) She keeps my secrets, and always has.

15) She is a great nurse :)

There are a million reasons why I am thankful for her, many more than I could ever write here. She has given me much more than I will ever give to her-- both tangible and intangible. But, most of all I am thankful that not only has she been my saving grace more times than I can count, but she is also one of my very best friends. I can't imagine what I would do without her.


Happy Birthday Courtney! You are much loved :)

Nine Months

Where, oh where, did the last month go? All the weeks and months are flying by but his 8th month seemed to pass at warp speed. Not cool.

These last weeks have been pretty busy for us, as evidenced by my lack of blog posts. We have a lot of things going on this Fall, which is exciting, because Carver is getting harder and harder to entertain at home all day.

Carver's 9th month update:

1) A new attitude-- Carver is giving defiance a go this month. Throwing mini-tantrums, arching his back and screaming when placed in his carseat, repeatedly going after things in the house after I have told him "No" and moved him from said object multiple times, getting hysterical every time I change his diaper or try to dress him. Fun times.

2) Carver upgraded to a big boy carseat this week. The jury is still out on whether he likes it or not.

3) Food: We've tried about every fruit and veggie at this point and he is, thankfully, not picky at all. He has his favorites (carrots, sweet potatoes, pears) and his least favorites (green beans), but in general he will eat anything I give him. I am supremely thankful for this. No meat yet...not sure when we will cross that bridge.

4) Dancing! Carver has recently started "dancing" when his toys play music. Really he just sits and bounces. It's adorable though.

5) Sleeping-- about the same. Though he did sleep through the night one day last week. I was tentatively excited only to be let down the next night when he was back to getting up at least once. He takes two 1-hour-ish naps a day.

6) His favorite thing to do is travel around the rooms, standing up at each piece of furniture. He could do this all day. He l.o.v.e.s. to stand.

7) New addition (or rather obstacle) in our household: Baby jail! Nice for me to be able to stick him in a safe, enclosed space when I need a few minutes without chasing him.

But.... this is his opinion of baby jail.

8) Teeth: still only 1 on the bottom left, but I think the one on the bottom right is trying to make its debut.

9) Childcare: Carver stays in the nursery at church when I go to MOPS every other Friday and he seems to like it. He makes no fuss when I drop him off and doesn't seem particularly excited to see me when I pick him up. That stings a little.

10) He still loves bath time, but wants to stand up in the tub. Since, hello!, this is dangerous I keep shoving him back down. Tantrum ensues.

11) We've entered the days of lots of bumps and bruises. I'm imagining that, with a boy, this is a very long phase.

12) He has favorite toys now. Currently, he loves his talking/singing mailbox and a small light-up car that Daniel gave him. His other favorite "toys" are remote controls, cell phones, cords, vacuums, etc.

13) Talking: Just "Mama" and "Dada" so far. Still seems to be no correlation between us and those words, but I assume that will come.

I love how, as the months pass, we get more and more glimpses of his personality. Some traits I hope stay-- others I hope are just a phase. Two things in particular I love. First, Carver is incredibly brave. He is scared of nothing. He takes interest in every new thing-- people, places, animals, etc. He is never scared by noises or weird situations. Second, he is incredibly social. He smiles at everyone he sees, will let anyone hold him (so far), and will crawl right over to anyone. He gets a ton of attention everywhere we go because he gives everyone attention. It's a precious trait. Since neither Daniel or I are particularly outgoing, I would love it if this character trait stayed around. It will serve him well in life.

Carver is both a joy and a handful. He is both easy to please and incredibly difficult at times. It's hard to believe that less than two years ago he didn't even exist (even in my tummy). It's now impossible to imagine a world without him. He is my biggest life's challenge as well as my greatest blessing. He has already taught me far more than I will ever teach him-- about myself, about life, about love. There isn't a moment of my day that isn't wrapped up in him in some way.

The days are hard, and sometimes impossibly long. But they are beautiful in a way that they never were before I had him.

Sometimes I think Delia dreams of breaking out of our house and the chaos baby Carver has brought to our lives. But, I hope she knows she is still overwhelmingly loved and an important member of our little family. Lea and baby Winston just go with the flow...

Tooth!

Finally, a clear shot of Carver's first tooth.
It's growing and growing (though a little crooked..!)

Can you see it?

Long time, no post

Sorry friends! It's been far too long without an update. In my defense, Carver and I were out of town for 9 whole days, doing some very fun things so I was just waiting to post a SUPER long, SUPER exciting update when we returned home.

Carver and I made a relatively spontaneous trip down to Bartow a couple of weeks ago to visit the ever-important Grandmama and Granddaddy. I had been hoping to make it down to Bartow in September, and then the timing worked out perfectly because not only was I able to visit my parents, but I was also able to see Jenny and Mandy while home also. Such fun :)

The week was busy and fun-filled. Daniel was able to join us for the second weekend we were home so he was able to partake in a little of the fun also. I love going to Bartow-- because no matter how long I am away, returning to Bartow always feels like going home.

Here is a run-down on some of our activities....

1) Lots of eating at great restaurants: Abuelos, Carrabbas (with Jenny), Bonefish Grill, Sushi (with Jenny), Manny's, Catfish Country, Red Lobster, Crabby Bills--- I loved every minute of this...which I probably shouldn't admit. But it's true.

2) Two days at the zoo. First with Mandy and her sweet boys, and Aunt Jenny. Then again later in the week with my mom.

Day One at the Zoo:

(I am so sad that I didn't get a picture of Mandy's youngest son, Jacob, who is every bit as handsome as his big brother, Seth)

Day Two at the Zoo:

(Carver l.o.v.e.d. his first ride on the carousel)
(He also really loved playing in the water)

3) An evening at the beach.



4) Arabian Nights-- dinner theater.

5) Gator Game-- for the boys (minus Carver-- though he did wear his Gator gear and jump in a picture).6) A Surprise Visit-- as evidenced above, Lyle and his family arrived on Saturday and we were SO excited to see them. Too bad I didn't get a picture of Holly-- who is pregnant and now "showing" and is oh so cute.

(Bailey is 5 and LOVES Carver, Will is 4 and has an adorable habit of complimenting everyone [i.e. Aunt Kristi, I like your shirt. Aunt Kristi, I like your watch...], and Tommy who is almost 2 and is talking so much now).

Of course, some of my favorite moments were just those quiet moments at home, doing normal things, but having my parents there made them special. They got to play a ton with Carver, see him playing in the tub, feed him, and give him bottles, swing with him on the porch, and put him to bed. What an immense blessing to not only spend a week with them and have their help (which is huge) but also to just get to watch them love on him, and watch him bond with them. This week was much needed. I can't wait to get back.


Oh, and Delia likes to sleep with the luggage. I think it is her way of making sure that we won't forget her when we leave.