Thorn

In the Bible Paul makes no secret of the fact that he has a "thorn in his side." Because there is no specific explanation, there are a number of theories as to what this "thorn" could be. Some scholars think it is a physical infirmity or disability, others believe it is a struggle of a spiritual nature. Regardless, it is something that weakened Paul, made him feel unworthy at times, but ultimately strengthened his faith.

But, he struggled with it, and he would cry out to God to take that burden away.

Fear is the thorn in my side.

When I was young, a child even, I would pray at night that I would be the first to die. Morbid, I know. Selfish, too. But I would even pray that I would go before my great-grandmother-- who was 104 when she died when I was only 10 (and I wasn't even close to her), or my grandmother who was 92 when she passed away. And of course, this extended to my parents, siblings, friends. In hindsight I see how very selfish this was. I just never wanted to have to deal with loss or grief, and I was willing to pray that I be spared that pain at the expense of my loved ones having to then grieve for me. I like to also think that I didn't fear my death because I knew from an early age where I was going -- this is the up-side to my obsession with death.

As I have grown older, fear has continued to be my constant companion. And, it is usually fear about injury or death to a loved one.

When I got Delia 5 years ago I was a little unprepared for just how much she would come to mean to me. I am still positive I will wait to see how I handle her death before I even consider another dog. Before I had Carver I equated Delia's eventual death with that of a death of a child. The dread of her dying is still there, but now I understand the difference. One I could survive, the other I could not.

I really thought long and hard about whether I wanted children or not. I have always been afraid to add to the already long list of people that I love fiercely and completely. I already feared losing my parents, or Courtney or Lyle, Daniel, my best friends...so why choose to add another name to that list? But, clearly, Carver is here and I wouldn't change that for the world-- but becoming a parent has irrevocably altered me.

Now, I am often crushed by the weight of fear and worry.

Two weeks ago Carver choked on a piece of paper. I was home alone and he found something I didn't realize he could reach. Long story short, he choked, vomited, gagged, while I tried and tried to save him to fix the situation. Because that is what moms do. They fix things. I ended up calling my poor friend and neighbor who ultimately did see and remove the object from his mouth. The whole episode only lasted several minutes and Carver was never unable to breathe but in those few moments I learned a painful lesson.

I can't protect him. I cannot keep him safe. It is my job to keep him safe but I can't do it.

It was a paralyzing moment. It still is.

What I suffer from is not a lack of faith-- though it may sound like that. I mean, we are called to not be fearful, but to cast our fears on Him, to trust in the Lord. And, I do. The thorn in my side is being unable to turn off the thoughts and fears that race through my mind. I wait for some unforeseen event-- the one that will finally break me beyond repair, the one that I will not be able to survive.

And I am so tired of living like this, in this cloud of anxiety and desperation. I know my God will protect me and mine, that he will not give us more than we can handle, that he is a loving and compassionate God-- and ultimately that he loves Carver far more than I will ever be capable of-- isn't that an incredible thought.

So, what to do? Suffer just as Paul did, but struggle against this burden that brings me down. To fight not to be paralyzed by fear. To live my life with hope and beauty and purpose-- not worry, anxiety, and stress. To trust that God will hold Carver (and my parents, siblings, friends, husband) in the palm of his hand where they will be held safe and secure. I will not let this constant fear be the legacy I leave for my son. I will not let it ruin more of my days or my nights.

I know I will probably always struggle with this... but maybe I will at least get better.

But, you know, if God wants to take me first, that's ok by me.

"For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you;
Do not fear, I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13