This.

House destroyed. Carver reading to Carson. Both in pjs, Carver in his angry bird costume.

This. Just this. There is something about this picture that speaks directly to my heart. I feel joy when I see it. And I feel scared. And tired. And confident. And insecure. And content. And hopeful. And proud. And stressed.

So many emotions wrapped up in this one snapshot of a moment in my day. And not even a particularly unique moment.

It shows exactly where I am right now.

This. This is my life. And where I am now is so far from where I thought I would be. I had no idea that these two little precious boys would come and change everything that I thought I knew about myself and about life.

They make everything so worth it. I hope they know how much they are loved. And I hope they know that I am trying my hardest to do this parenting thing right.

I love the rhythm and routine of our days. I love the small moments. Laying out clothes, playing in the bath tub, reading books and singing songs before bed. Every single day Carver hugs and kisses me more times than I can count. Carson comes to me with his chubby arms stretched up asking me to hold him. They destroy the house faster than I can clean it up. They fight with each other and cry when they don't get their way. They drive me completely and utterly crazy. I can't imagine my life any other way.

I think my biggest fear, and as a result, my biggest prayer right now (after safety for the boys), is that I will live long enough to raise them. Someone else could probably do just as a good a job as me, with a lot less mistakes and a lot more patience but...

they are mine, and I am theirs. And I am so incredibly thankful for them.

Carson 20-22 Months

Carson is (almost) 22 months old. We are so rapidly approaching the 2 year mark and I am just not ready. He is the baby. My baby. I can totally understand why the youngest in a family just always seems like the baby.

Cargy is feisty. I was so sure he would be an easier, more laid-back baby than his big brother. But daily he shows an increasing temper and defiance. Defiance in a not yet 2 year old is still somewhat cute but before long he is going to be a real hand full. He has a temper and gets crazy upset when he doesn't get his way.

For most of his life, Carson has been very dependent, much more so than Carver ever was. He liked to be held. He followed me around the house. I mean, he wouldn't even drink from a bottle or cup until he was a full year old. Slowly in the last few months he has become much more independent. He still does not love to play independently, but he will play with Carver for short periods of time and lately they will even head upstairs to play without us on occasion. He fairly easily goes to the nursery at church or into the childcare room at Jazzercise and seems to play pretty well without us around. He is a favorite of all of the nursery and childcare workers because he genuinely loves people, especially sweet women that will hold him and give him  a lot of attention.

He has become very verbal in the last few months. He has a ton of words and even uses phrases and short sentences. He has a crazy laugh and loves to be tickled. Carver can make him laugh hysterically but they also drive each other absolutely insane. Carson may be younger and smaller but he has certainly learned to hold his own in a battle of wills with Carver.

We have recently come to realize that we pretty much have to buy two of everything. Both boys always want what the other has. Carver loves to match Carson and he'll often ask to wear whatever Carson has on-- just tonight I had to change his pajamas so that they could be dressed alike.

Here are some of his current favorites...

* Yogurt Smoothies
* Dry Cereal (any)
* Sugar in any form
* Oatmeal
* Balls
* Playing outside
* Pacifiers
* Bubbles
* Baths
* Books
* Puppy (as in the blue and white puppy he sleeps with. I'm not good at naming stuffed animals...)

In January I finally gave in and we got his hair cut for the first time. He hated it.

The lollipop helped to get over the initial trauma.

He really loves after bath time when he gets to spend a little time wrapped up in his towel.

We are SO ready for warmer weather so that we can play outside more.

He is super interested in using the potty...

There is just something about this boy that is so endearing. It makes it easy to see past the crying (which he does a lot) and the new feisty attitude he has adopted. He loves to be held. He gets so excited when he is reunited after a separation, no matter how brief. He and Carver hug and kiss and he is always quick to love on Lea too. He has an enormous heart. He is so very precious to us.