On Your Third Birthday

Dear Carver,

It has been three years. Three years since you arrived and three years since my life really began.

Happy 3rd birthday sweet boy!

This last year has been a little crazy, hasn't it? A lot of changes in our life-- and some tough moments. I hate to admit it, but I've spent a lot of time worrying about you this year. Mostly worrying about how you would adjust to having a new brother. I was so afraid that you would feel like I had abandoned you or that you would long for the days when it was just us. But, I should have known better. I should have known that you would adapt and grow and quickly love your little brother and become such a fantastic big brother. I'm so incredibly proud of you. Watching you love on Carson, and watching Carson stare at you with such obvious adoration, has been one of the biggest highlights of my life.

You are the sweetest boy I have ever known. Don't get me wrong, you have a lot of not-so-sweet moments (we all do), but you have the most precious heart. I love it that you still want to be held-- a lot. That your favorite thing is to be sitting in one of our laps or have us pick you up, or lay in bed with you and snuggle. I just love that. I dread the day you won't let me hold you anymore because I know my arms will feel so terribly empty.

You have grown up so much this year. You look older, you act older, you are talking A LOT, and you are capable of so many new things. I love watching how you progress month to month. You say such cute things in such a charming way that even when you are driving me absolutely crazy I can't help but feel like my heart will BURST. Your Daddy and I both have trouble disciplining you sometimes-- because you're often cute, even when misbehaving.

I'm sorry that your third year was a little chaotic. And I'm sorry for all of the times that you wanted to be held, or wanted me to play with you and I told you I was too busy. I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry that sometimes you have to turn my head to look at you, and press your forehead to my lips and remind me to kiss you (even though I kiss you a dozen times a day). I'm sorry. It is my promise to you that this  next year I will take more time to just sit with you. To read you books, even when it is not naptime or bedtime. To hold you when you want to be held-- even if I have to stop whatever I am doing. Because nothing, nothing, is more important to me than you.

I'm still not perfect. I say this every year. I wish I could tell you one day that I will be a perfect mom, but I'm sorry-- that won't ever happen. I will fail you in some way every single day. Just saying that makes my heart hurt a little bit. But, I have to be honest. What I can promise you is this-- I will never stop trying to do my very best for you. To every day try to be a little better than I was the day before. A little more kind, and a little more patient, even a little more FUN.

I will cherish every single day of your life. I will pray over you every day. For health, for safety, for your salvation, and for your sweet heart. I will pray without ceasing. I will do what I can to teach you to love others, to show kindness, to be respectful and have integrity. I will teach you how to cook, and do laundry and treat women well. I will work so hard to help you see what is really important in life-- God, family, friends. Your Daddy will teach you a great many things too-- you are so incredibly lucky to have him.

Carver, you are such a blessing to so many and you don't even know it. It is privilege to be your Mama.  Thanks for being patient with me. And loving me even when I make a lot of mistakes.

These three years have been the best of my life. The very best.

Love,
Mama