My heart hurts

As I have noted before, I am a worrier. It is something that I struggle with every single day. Some days are better than others. Becoming a mother exponentially raised the amount of fear and worry I deal with on a daily basis. It is my constant prayer that I will get through this fear that cripples me but it is something that forces me to pray unceasingly and to push myself to have faith and trust that God will protect me and mine.

It is difficult not to succomb to this worry and fear when the world is so dark. I know that it is usually the dark and sensational stories that make "the news" but it is so hard not to be just horrified by all of the things I read and see on tv.

Just this week I read or saw the following stories:

1) A child pornography ring involving over 20 women was uncovered. Videos of shackled children being raped by adults were found.

2) A woman forced her 4 year old and 10 month old to drink beer.

3) A 14 year old "mentally disabled" boy was held for the majority of 3 years in a bedroom with a soiled mattress and animal excrement; he was only fed 4 times a week.

4) A man pled guilty to beating his daughter and giving her a knife and gun and encouraging her to kill herself.

On one hand, I know these are extreme cases. But, on the other hand, I also know that this is nothing compared to the number of stories that do not make major headlines. I lay in bed at night wondering if I was wrong to bring a child into this world. I can't comprehend parents that harm their children in these appalling ways. I can't comprehend anyone hurting children in these ways.

There is just so much suffering. So many children are abused in the most horrific of ways. So many children are starving or live in a constant state of terror. I just can't imagine.

So I lay awake at night and dwell on these horrors. But, I never even try to do anything about it. Everyone can do something, even something small, yet I do nothing. I am so ashamed. And so heart-sick.

I don't know what the solution for me will be, but I can't keep being horrified without even trying to do something. What that will be, I have no idea. But I want my children to be raised to respect others, to show kindness and compassion, and to not turn away from hurting or misery, but rather try to make a difference. I want Carver to have a heart for others.

I do not feel called into ministry or missions, but I do feel convicted to do something to better the world. It might be tiny and it might go mostly unnoticed, but I'm going to try.