Ten Months

(Notice his Asheville shirt)

I'm late in my monthly Carver update. I hate that.

However, there are several new things going on in Carver's little world these days. We have been super busy the last few months, as evidenced by my lack of blog postings-- no time. But, it's been a great Fall so far. Carver is growing and changing so rapidly these days. I love it but it makes me sad. I'm feeling a little more sentimental than usual about another month being behind us. I miss teeny, tiny, Carver (well, sort of teeny). I miss holding him all day, snuggling with him at night. I miss the exhaustion and the euphoria of the early days. (Well, the exhaustion is still there). I miss his tiny baby yawns and precious facial expressions. Ok, I miss most of it.

BUT, I love this phase too. Yes, he's getting bigger, and "growing up so fast!" but it's good. Really, really, good. Because with each passing day I get a bigger glimpse into his personality, and his character, and I see flashes of the kid he is becoming. And I love it, flaws and all. (Wait, he doesn't have any flaws, he's perfect). Just kidding. He is strong-willed, difficult, and impatient, but he is also quick to smile and laugh, he's affectionate, friendly, joyful. He's a series of contradictions, like we all are. And, I love all of these parts that make up him. I wouldn't change anything. Not one thing.

Well, anytime he wants to quit spitting up I'll not complain.

The Details: 10 Months

1) New trick: Carver can wave! He does it all the time. Sometimes at appropriate times, (hello or goodbye), but then he does it at any random other time also. Usually it is just one arm raised straight in the air, but occasionally he does "wave" his fingers also. Too. Cute.

2) Sleeping through the night-- mostly. He probably still gets up 2-3 times a week, but for the most part he is sleeping much better. He goes to bed at about 8:00 or so and gets up around 7:30...or 8:15 if I'm enjoying my morning coffee too much to get him up...) This has changed my whole world view. The sun is shining brighter, the grass is greener, food tastes better, people are nicer...Or, maybe I'm just not utterly and complete exhausted anymore. Either way, the change is great.

3) New sounds-- I have no idea how to describe them, but take my word for it, it is hilarious.

4) Eating habits-- No more breastfeeding (thank the Lord. Literally.). He is not a big eater in general and we are having a lot of trouble getting him to eat anything except "Level 2" baby food. He seems to have very strong aversion to anything with texture. No puffs, no table foods-- even Level 3 foods (barely chunky) make him gag... I'm worried. I have visions of therapists in our future (to help with the eating issue). Wish Aunt Ellen lived a little closer :) Maybe he will catch up, maybe I am overreacting but-- worried nonetheless.

5) Walking-- with help. As in, if you hold his hands he will take a few steps. If he's holding on to a walker, or something he can push, he can walk it all over the house. He really prefers standing or walking to just crawling. I wonder if my next monthly update will include him actually walking on his own. We'll see.

6) He is into everything. And he races around the house. He never rests or even takes a break. Baby jail is still used but I let him out of it a lot, which he loves, but then I spend all of my time chasing him around the house. He has a pretty short attention span, he is fairly destructive, and he has a seemingly limitless supply of energy. You would think I would be much thinner than I am now, all I do run around the house after him.

7) He loves the dogs. Right now he really likes to climb into Lea's crate-- with her. Not a great idea, clearly.

8) He has graduated out of his whale tub (which he used for 10 whole months-- thanks aunt Megan!) and is now just in the big bathtub. I spend most of his baths trying to make him stay seated. Sigh.

9) Teeth-- 5! Three on the bottom and two on the top. But not the center two-- rather the third ones over. Random.

10) Curly blond hairs are really growing in the back of his head. I need to get a good picture of the curls, they're pretty adorable.


Praying the next couple of months pass a little slower. I'm not ready for him to get any older.

October Beach Trip

A couple of weeks ago, Daniel and I dropped the girls and baby Winston off at the boarders, packed up Carver and the car, and headed to meet his parents in Ocean Isle Beach, NC.


At first I wasn't exactly what sure one did at the beach in North Carolina...in October. Luckily, the weather was beautiful and the beaches were deserted, and I might actually be sold on the idea of heading to the beach during non-peak times of the year. We stayed in a pretty, 4 bedroom house right by the beach and spent most of our time just resting and relaxing with no real agenda. We got to spend some fun quality time with "Nana" and "Papa," eat at great restaurants (like the Boundary House,) and the highlight of the trip-- watching Carver love playing in the sand and water. Seriously. He loved it.



Hopefully we will be able to go back to Ocean Isle-- it's a beautiful island. Especially when you don't have to share it with many other people. If the girls (Delia and Lea) could have joined us it would have been a perfect week :)

Lea

I know that having pets, especially those that live indoors, can be stressful. Dog hair, occasional accidents, waking you up at night to go outside, finding someone to keep them when you go out of town-- these are just a few.

But I gladly put up with all of this and more because of all of the other tangible and intangible things they bring to my life. All three of ours have such distinct personalities and I love them immensely.

They make sure there is never a dull moment in our house.

Family Bonding

Last week Daniel and I had the distinct good fortune to be able to spend a few days hanging out in Lynchburg with Lyle and the kiddos. As mentioned in a previous post, Holly was going to be out of town for a few days. That means, we got to play with the boys! (Sweet Bailey was at school so we only got to see her at night).

It was fun to really get to spend a few days of uninterrupted time with Will and Tommy. Since Tommy is only two, I really hadn't gotten to spend as much time with him as I had the older two. He is such a sweet boy-- very laid back and easygoing. He and Will play so well together that we hardly had to do anything at all to entertain them. Will says the funniest things and loved playing with Carver. He would bring him toys and hug him and keep an eye on him for us. Carver loved the boys too-- but he especially loved their toys. Which Tommy had a slightly hard time dealing with. Of course, who could blame him? Carver liked to crawl over and steal whatever Tommy or Will were holding.

All in all it was a great week. I loved spending time with Lyle and his kids. It makes me desperately wish that we all lived closer together. The week would have been perfect if Holly had been around the whole time-- the visit just wasn't complete without her there.

Here are a few pics of Carver and his favorite boy cousins.

Thorn

In the Bible Paul makes no secret of the fact that he has a "thorn in his side." Because there is no specific explanation, there are a number of theories as to what this "thorn" could be. Some scholars think it is a physical infirmity or disability, others believe it is a struggle of a spiritual nature. Regardless, it is something that weakened Paul, made him feel unworthy at times, but ultimately strengthened his faith.

But, he struggled with it, and he would cry out to God to take that burden away.

Fear is the thorn in my side.

When I was young, a child even, I would pray at night that I would be the first to die. Morbid, I know. Selfish, too. But I would even pray that I would go before my great-grandmother-- who was 104 when she died when I was only 10 (and I wasn't even close to her), or my grandmother who was 92 when she passed away. And of course, this extended to my parents, siblings, friends. In hindsight I see how very selfish this was. I just never wanted to have to deal with loss or grief, and I was willing to pray that I be spared that pain at the expense of my loved ones having to then grieve for me. I like to also think that I didn't fear my death because I knew from an early age where I was going -- this is the up-side to my obsession with death.

As I have grown older, fear has continued to be my constant companion. And, it is usually fear about injury or death to a loved one.

When I got Delia 5 years ago I was a little unprepared for just how much she would come to mean to me. I am still positive I will wait to see how I handle her death before I even consider another dog. Before I had Carver I equated Delia's eventual death with that of a death of a child. The dread of her dying is still there, but now I understand the difference. One I could survive, the other I could not.

I really thought long and hard about whether I wanted children or not. I have always been afraid to add to the already long list of people that I love fiercely and completely. I already feared losing my parents, or Courtney or Lyle, Daniel, my best friends...so why choose to add another name to that list? But, clearly, Carver is here and I wouldn't change that for the world-- but becoming a parent has irrevocably altered me.

Now, I am often crushed by the weight of fear and worry.

Two weeks ago Carver choked on a piece of paper. I was home alone and he found something I didn't realize he could reach. Long story short, he choked, vomited, gagged, while I tried and tried to save him to fix the situation. Because that is what moms do. They fix things. I ended up calling my poor friend and neighbor who ultimately did see and remove the object from his mouth. The whole episode only lasted several minutes and Carver was never unable to breathe but in those few moments I learned a painful lesson.

I can't protect him. I cannot keep him safe. It is my job to keep him safe but I can't do it.

It was a paralyzing moment. It still is.

What I suffer from is not a lack of faith-- though it may sound like that. I mean, we are called to not be fearful, but to cast our fears on Him, to trust in the Lord. And, I do. The thorn in my side is being unable to turn off the thoughts and fears that race through my mind. I wait for some unforeseen event-- the one that will finally break me beyond repair, the one that I will not be able to survive.

And I am so tired of living like this, in this cloud of anxiety and desperation. I know my God will protect me and mine, that he will not give us more than we can handle, that he is a loving and compassionate God-- and ultimately that he loves Carver far more than I will ever be capable of-- isn't that an incredible thought.

So, what to do? Suffer just as Paul did, but struggle against this burden that brings me down. To fight not to be paralyzed by fear. To live my life with hope and beauty and purpose-- not worry, anxiety, and stress. To trust that God will hold Carver (and my parents, siblings, friends, husband) in the palm of his hand where they will be held safe and secure. I will not let this constant fear be the legacy I leave for my son. I will not let it ruin more of my days or my nights.

I know I will probably always struggle with this... but maybe I will at least get better.

But, you know, if God wants to take me first, that's ok by me.

"For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you;
Do not fear, I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13

A brief note...

Unfortunately, we do not have a whole lot going on around here right now. (Except a visit with Carver's Nana and Papa, which he loves!). However, tomorrow we are leaving to head to Lynchburg to play with Lyle and the kiddos for a few days while Holly is out of town. Daniel and I will be keeping Will and Tommy while Lyle is at work and Bailey is at school. I'm excited to have some bonding time with the boys and excited that Carver gets to play with his cousins!

So, we should have a lot of super fun things to report next week, but here are a couple of things to tide you (the teeming numbers of you who read this blog) over.

1) Carver's 9 month stats:
Weight: 19 lbs (and something oz)
Height: 28 inches
Percentages: 50th for both

(Side note: our scale at home says Carver weighs 21 lbs. Assuming the scale at the doctor's office is more accurate then he "lost" 2 lbs...and so did I. Yay. Me.)

2) Carver has learned how a pacifier works--and he loves them. Yep, apparently it took him 9 months. He has always liked to play with them, but not until yesterday did he actually suck on them correctly...right about the time "they" say to start weaning babies from using them. Great.



3) It's been an interesting week with my students-- I'll try to get some student stories up on the blog next week, so stay tuned.

4) Other blog ideas are flying around in my head, as soon as I have time I will provide some postings for your further enjoyment. Maybe they won't even be baby related. I feel some random ruminations coming on.

Check back next week. We're off to play with my favorite nephews and one of my favorite nieces :)