Dear Carver,
I am not sure why, but 10 seems so much older than 9. I've been feeling a little sad about you turning 10 this year, but then, I feel a little sad every year when your birthday roles around. I get sad because, as you know, your Mama is an emotional mess about almost any kind of life change. And in my crazy mind, your turning 10 means you are almost 18 and moving out of our house, bringing an end to these years of keeping you safe and with me at home.
Because I like having you around. You and I are so close; you ask me to lay with you at night, you almost always want to sit by me in restaurants and at church or movies, you snuggle up close while we are reading at night, and you often confide in me and tell me things that I know you haven't shared with anyone else.
I love all of these things, and I hope a lot of things carry on into your teenage and adult years. Maybe not snuggling up close, but I hope you always like having me with you, and trust me with your feelings and secrets.
We are close, but we don't always get along :) Parenting you has brought me some very specific challenges and sometimes I can't seem to get through to you. I lay awake at night trying to think of the best ways to parent you and discipline you and be a positive example for you. I haven't figured it out at yet, but I promise I will always do my very best for you.
You are so handsome, even though you can't seem to see it. You are funny, and witty, and so smart. You have really unique and interesting thoughts and questions and I love it.
You love all animals and they love you. You are so tender-hearted to them and always willing to give Winston, Felix, and Bentley all of the attention they need.
You hate school. You complain every.single.day about it. I wish you liked school. I wish you could enjoy these years of elementary school. It makes me so sad to drop you off at school every day, knowing that you really dislike being there. Academically, you are doing extremely well and we are so proud of you.
You love video games. Far too much. I've made it my mission in life to find some sort of active extracurricular activity that you enjoy doing.
You love your brother, but you don't always like him. I wish the two of you were best friends, and I feel confident that one day you will be. For now, you are sometimes great together, and sometimes not-so-great together. Carson adores you, and I hope one day soon you are able to show him that you adore him too.
You love your family. Not just me and Daddy and Carson, but all of them. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins-- family is important to you. And I hope it always is.
You are 10 now. And I know that sometimes life is messy and complicated and difficult. I wish I could shield you from all of those hard feelings. I wish I could hear the exuberant laugh you had as a toddler-- it held so much joy that just thinking about it now makes my heart feel like it will burst. I pray you feel that overwhelming joy and happiness again one day.
I have loved you since the moment I found out that I was pregnant with you. I have loved every single year and phase and second of the last decade. You are one of the very best things in my life and I am so grateful that you are mine.
This year the word I am praying over you is: peace. That you will feel a deep and abiding peace and contentment with your life. That your emotions will be stable and not a cause of anxiety or distress. That you will one day soon know the peace that only a personal relationship with Jesus can bring.
Happy Birthday Carver! You are loved more than you will ever know.
Love, Mama
