Two weeks ago I attended a conference with my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. I had been dreading this weekend away for at least 8 months. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave my boys. I didn't even want to think about it. I knew I would go, but I also clearly believed that I would be irritated that I had to go.
I was so very wrong. That weekend, I hope, has changed my life.
I have written here before about my struggles with fear. My struggle with worry and anxiety. These struggles that I have dealt with my entire life but have found renewed strength now that I am mother. I am completely crippled by the thought of something happening to one of my boys. Crippled. It is a fear that never fully leaves me. I worry that they will get hurt, that one of them will die, that I will not be enough for them, that I will not be able to protect them-- that in this role of mother and protector I will ultimately be found lacking.
So I pray. And I plead. And I cry out to God to just protect my children. Let me die first. But, let me live long enough to raise them. Just keep them safe. Please God.
Then I went to this conference and I heard some amazing speakers. Amazing women. Beth Moore, Lysa TerKeurst, and Jen Hatmaker. And I was completely and utterly broken. Ruined. But, in a good way.
If you are not familiar with Jen Hatmaker I can't encourage you enough to follow her blog or buy her books. If you get a chance to hear her speak you should go. Seriously.
While listening to her speak I covered my paper in notes. I wrote in the margins. I underlined things. And I felt convicted with every single stroke of my pen.
The very first note I made was her statement that parenting to avoid any situation of struggle or loss equals a life of constant worry and fear. I am so there. It is our nature to want to protect our children from any hardship. Don't we all, deep down, want our children to be safe, happy, and content. Don't we want them to lead easy lives? Sure. But, well, that just isn't realistic.
We have to teach our kids to be brave. This shouldn't be such a revelation to me but it was. This world is full of struggles and horrors and dangerous things. We must guide, teach, and lead by example. She noted, with so much wisdom, that our job as parents is to teach them how to navigate the real world with grace and humility. We cannot teach what we do not do.
Scared moms raise scared kids. Brave moms raise brave kids.
And I want my boys to be bold. To be courageous. To see a world that is sinful and hurting and to face it with love and compassion and empathy. Being conformed into the image of Christ is not a pretty process. It will hurt and we will struggle and we will wish for an easy path. But if I teach my boys to always stay safe, to never take chances or risks then I am not raising disciples that will leave a mark on the world. I am raising boys that will overlook those on the margins of society. They will live in a sheltered world that turns a blind eye to the hurting around them.
And I do not want that.
I want to be burdened with the conviction that my children need to have a passion for the world. I want them to love others in a way that I so struggle with. I want them to see a need and try to help. I want them to have a calling to make a difference. I want them to be brave in their pursuit of being Christ-like. I want to model for them the acceptance and love of others. I want them to see me looking outside of myself and my circumstances and loving people. Ministering to others. I want to parent them diligently, but not fearfully. I want to create a culture in our family that is committed to doing what is right, even if it is hard. I want us to be a part of the world, not hiding from the ugliness of our society.
I want to raise proud, brave, strong, courageous warriors. I want them to love others, obey God, and live out loud. I want them to be prepared to actually live in this world that we brought them into.
I want them to have a heart for Christ. My prayer is that I will cultivate that in my own life so that I can lead them by example. I want to love them enough to give them back to God. I want to have enough faith to let them go and know that if we raise them well enough they will survive in this world.
I want them to be warriors.
Sidenote: I am also reading The Insanity of God by Nik Ripken. I am pretty convinced that it too will change my life. Probably in ways that are scary and convicting and overwhelming...
